Frames

This is not working. Wrong frame of mind for this moment. Like when you put that picture of me in a yellow frame. Thinking me like the sunshine all happy. You couldn’t see the hair on the back of my neck, standing straight up. You couldn’t see the tears hiding behind my eyes. Fear and tears and sunshine. Sunshine written on my face. Sunshine trapping me in its embrace. The only box that I belong to. The cage that keeps me in.

After I left I moved myself into real life. I pulled myself from the frame and became me. Like Pinocchio, a real boy now. But you think my nose is too long. You think my green sweater and my orange hat are a lie. Something I’m making up. You don’t know that yellow falls between green and orange. You don’t see that I’ve expanded, become 3D, you think I’ve just moved to a new frame. But a new frame of mind, that’s what I need.

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Some days my self-criticism game is pretty strong, and I feel like letting controlling me take charge - it can feel safer to pretend like everything is ok.

But I’m trying to lean into my complexity and know I’m not just one thing. To let calm, compassionate, and courageous me take the lead, even when talking to the controlling parts of myself.